Not many long winded speeches, fewer awards handed out and more somewhat underwhelming performances. Here is a minute account of this year's Grammy Awards, another 210 minutes we will not see for another 364 nights:
8:00: Lady Gaga and Elton John sit opposite each other at a piano, looking like they just came from shock therapy after licking the chimney sweeps clean....insane looking with Your Song part of the proceedings.
8:10: Steven Colbert introduces the show and wonders why Susan Boyle isn't here...
8:14: Jennifer Lopez stares into a camera and repeats the phrase "American Idiot" several times in a short span...somewhere the subliminal gods are laughing.
8:15: Green Day are boringly helped out by the cast of American Idiot the musical...woo hoo....can't wait for that when it comes to my town. Meanwhile the song itself 21 Guns is diminished by huge orchestration, with the bigger and more is better idea again proving to be a misnomer.
8:25: Bon Jovi will decide what song they will play and it is then stated that country music is big all over the world. I know how many yokels there are in New Dehli who can't get enough Toby Keith every day.
8:26: Taylor Swift wins Country Album of the Year, saying dreams come true but unfortunately omitting the "go screw yourself Kanye" speech most had wanted to hear.
8:27: The Mentalist introduces Beyonce, but nowhere is Reveen the Impossibilist even considered to introduce the singer.
8:28: Beyonce with Star Wars meets Riot Gear dancers in tow, grabbing her crotch to show she's something fierce. A quick snippet of Alanis' You Oughta Know falls flat.
8:34: Near the homestretch of her performance, Beyonce is gasping for air trying to finish the lyrics without panting.
8:41: Pink -- who comes out like she forgot to get the country albums in New Dehli but opted for some Indian dress -- tries to become a Cirque De Soleil wannabe with spins and more spins overhead during her performance. Looks more like Flashdance as she's soaked in water and spins around again. For a few fleeting moments were are privy to golden painted asscracks of three more acrobats.
8:47: Zac Brown Band wins Best New Artist, defeating everyone else living or dead who truly deserved the award. Their acceptance speech is great, it's like they never even practiced it, just each of the six happened to thank 3 or 4 different label people off the top of their head. So off the cuff and so emotional. Yawn.
8:55: Black Eyed Pears, er, Black Eyed Peas are bleeped briefly as men dressed as speakers prance about.
9:05: Lady Antebellum perform without any gimmicks, just instruments and vocals for a nice effort. If they only had people dressed like speakers though, it would feel so much more organic and earthy.
9:17: Ringo Starr and Norah Jones give kudos to Bobby Darin and give Kings Of Leon Record Of The Year Grammy, making them the one winner most truly wanted to see play.
9:22: Jamie Foxx plays instead....with Slash coming out for a brief cameo of GnR's November Rain....another supergroup resulting in supershit.
9:26: Teenage sensation Justin Bieber has one line -- one frigging line -- to utter and he frigs it up, talking about Beyonce when he should say Bon Jovi.
9:35: Zac Brown Band returns for the jam band feel with a embalmed looking Leon Russell tickling the ivories.
9:48: Stevie Nicks and Taylor Swift join forces for a decent little few moments of roots rock and safe pop.
9:52: Celine Dion is fuzzy, she's never looked better thanks to the 3D technology for the Jackson Earth Song Tribute. More singers come out as Usher feels being on his knees will make the whole charade more palatable. Goes down as smooth as gin and tobasco sauce mixed.
10:03: Switching channels, I now see a connection between the members of the Black Eyed Peas and the kids show Pocoyo, but I'm not sure who is who yet.....
10:11: Sugarland singer and Bon Jovi go through three songs, including a pedestrian paced Living On A Prayer, which should be retitled Running On Fumes considering how the tempo from the album to now sounds extremely loose and slower.
10:18 Rhianna thanks Jay-Z before a little guy says "No thanks" in the microphone. More earth shattering moments I'll treasure.
10:26: Mary J. Blige and Andrea Bocelli join forces for Bridge Over Troubled Waters, making it the first true moment of the night worth remembering. Blige's pipes hit you in spots that cause tingles, not tinkles, leaving the first 150 minutes of general tedium worth this in spades.
10:39: Grammy man says you must pay for the music you listen to, otherwise how else will the crumbling labels survive. Of course he meant the artist (who is getting a bigger share of the pie thanks to iTunes and other non-label song buying processes), but who is kidding who....
10:45: Dave Matthews does his best Elaine Benes dance with some mix of Al Jolson and a man with shin splits...or is it shin splints?
11:03: Les Paul is remembered by Jeff Beck...well done.
11:12: Quinten Tarantino introduces three of the biggest rap stars around by holding up two fingers and sounding like Luigi Carboni.....and his brother Giuseppe the mad bricklayer.
11:14: The super rappers join forces to make half the song bleeped out and censored....
11:25: Carlos Santana appears without going into details about his next Supernatural album, the fifth containing the same radio-friendly crap with flavor of the month vocalists appearing....
11:26: Taylor Swift wins album of the year and talks about how 80 years from now she'll be talking about this year....
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